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>>461822
>after a few more minutes of silence she says something, but I'm not concentrating
>I just laugh and say, "so true!"
>"what the fuck? You think it's funny that my dad has cancer?"
>I choke on my spaghetti and it sprays all over the table
>I reactively reach over and start picking the chunks of spaghetti out of her glass of wine
>she looks like she's about to throw up and runs into the bathroom
>I pursue her and try to tell her that only a tiny bit got on her dress, but she won't listen
>she slams the cubicle door in my face and I can hear her spewing
>an old woman comes out of another cubicle and screams at the sight of me
>"pervert! Pervert!"
>"what? No! My girlfriend is feeling ill and I'm just checking if she's alright!"
>from behind the cubicle my girlfriend shouts, "I'm not your girlfriend!"
>the old lady whacks me around the head with her handbag
>the strap hits me in the eye
>in a moment of (literally) blind fury I yell "Shuryuken!" and lunge at her with an uppercut
>I miss spectacularly and fall to the floor
>two waiters burst in and drag me into the kitchen where they tell me that after I pay I have to leave
>suddenly remember I spent all my money on my new fedora
>I try to make a dash for it but trip on my cape and go crashing into the lobster tank
>the lobsters start attacking me so I grab a shard of glass and slash them all to death
>everyone is horrified by the massacre I just committed and they flinch away from me as I collect my spaghetti and leave
>stop in the doorway and take one last look at the havoc I'd wreaked
>everyone cowers in fear
>alpha as fuck

>>461822
>>461833

>both dubs
>alpha as fuck

Time for /r9k!

I lol'd hard. This shit is hilarious.

oh lawd, thanks for this OP.

"I inform him as I place my container of spaghetti on the table"

and that was when i lol'd

>2011
>order dessert before your main
>the world ends

I lost it at >cubicle

>from behind the cubicle my girlfriend shouts, "I'm not your girlfriend!"
oh lawdy I lol'd hard

have you accepted FSM as your lord and savior?

>>461822
lost my shit OP

>first date
>my girlfriend

hahahah

SHOULD NOT MAKE ME LAUGH GODDAMMIT

>>461822

>mfw i dont have any spaghetti stories

>alpha as fuck
>>ALPHA AS FUCK
>>>ALPHA
>>>AS
>>>FUCK

>there's an awkward silence so I ask what her favorite dinosaur is

I lost here. What kind of person as this question?

Milkshake?
Mushed icecream?

OHWOWOW,OHWOW.jpegs

>"no, it's okay, I brought my own food," I inform him as I place my container of spaghetti on the table

I completely lost it.

>>461833

>suddenly remember I spent all my money on my new fedora

Oh God, my tummy.

It's shoryuken, not shuryuken. You might want to fix that for your next post

sup 1/2 and or 2/2 are you the same guy from the other greentext thread?

Thanks for coming back

>go to the liquor store
>looking for a good white
>counter girl recommends a Chenin blanc
>"what's it for? hosting a party?" *giggle*
>Nah. Gonna make some fettucini with a white wine sauce.
>"omg can i come over and try it?" *giggle*
>hahahaha, we'll see.
>go to the grocery store
>'scuse me, miss? I'm looking for Parmesan cheese. Not that shit you shake out on spaghetti, but a brick.
>"Oh? we have some of that over here. What're you needing it for?"
>Heh. I'm gonna do some cooking. gonna make an alfredo sauce tonight. parmesan, white wine, cream, garlic, ooooh baby. It's gonna be awesome.
>"can I come over and try it?" *bats eyelashes*
>hahahaha, we'll see.
>go home
>fix fettucini alfredo with a white wine sauce
>eat it by myself
>forever alone

>"no, it's okay, I brought my own food," I inform him as I place my container of spaghetti on the table

holy fucking shit I love this

I may or may not have peed ever so slightly

>playing with my bionicles
>mom wants me to walk up the hill and pick up her prescription at the drugstore
>tell her I can't do it because it's only fifteen minutes before Adventure Time comes on and I don't want to be all sweaty
>she says she'll take away my spaghetti if I don't do it
>I agree to do it
>she hands me a pair of pants and my fanny pack
>gives me $20
>I tuck it in my fanny pack next to my bottle of spaghetti
>huggles and kisses before I go
>I open the door and step outside
>wtf it's so bright
>stop for a break after walking a few minutes
>already out of breath, sweating
>I can feel the sun burning the fold on the back of my neck
>start to get nervous and shake a little bit when I realize this is the farthest I've been away from home by myself in two years

...

>>462376
i am excited for moar

>there's an awkward silence so I ask what her favorite dinosaur is
Lost here too.

But a Pteradactyl isn't a Dinosaur.

>>462376
f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5 f5

oh please oh please oh please

This always gets me.

You're a dumb fucking faggot, OP.

Pterodactyls are NOT dionsaurs. Get it together, man.

>>462224
I asked someone that this week. He didn't care.
Mines diplodocus btw.

>Girl I have loved for 3 years has a birthday coming up
>Decide the best way to introduce myself to her is with a present
>Think of something cool that will let her know I like her
>Decide on lingerie
>Get my mom to drive me to the lingerie store
>Tell her to wait in the car, I can do this myself
>Alpha as fuck
>Walk into the store
>Start to panic
>Grab the first thing I see and run to the counter
>Cute girl is working the register
>Freeze up, unable to hand her whatever I picked up
>By the time I hand it to her, They are drenched in my sweat
>She looks at me like I'm a cross dressing freak
>Tell her they are for my girlfriend so she thinks im normal
>She just keeps staring
>Tell her to 'b-bag that shit up'
>Burst into treats
>Run out of the shop
>Cape gets caught in the door
>Fall backwards and hit my head
>Wake up 20 minutes later, Covered in shit and spaghetti
>Security guard is just kicking me out of the shop, telling me to keep the stuff
>End up not giving the present

Maybe next year.

>>462376
FINISH THE MOTHERFUCKING STORY

>>462465
Can't even finish reading this in class.

>>462376

...

>make it to the drugstore
>I have completely sweat through my shirt
>I don't see a sign that says anything about no shirt no shoes no service, so I decide to take the shirt off
>squeal with joy when I go inside and feel the cool air from the air conditioning blowing on my sweaty flesh
>I hear the girl behind the cash register say something
>see her eyeing me up and down
>she wants my dick
>decide to go for it since mom isn't here
>I push some black woman out of my way at the front of the line
>put on my best "I know you want me" face
>ask the cashier girl if she likes spaghetti
>she pages security
>I realize she's playing hard to get
>I unzip my fanny pack, pull out my bottle of spaghetti
>I put it on the counter and tell her that the bottle and so much more could be hers, if she knows what I mean
>wink at her
>"EW WYTE BOI WHY YOU GOT DEM NOODLES IN DAT BOTTLE DASS NASTY"
>turn around and see the black woman staring at me
>remember what my mom told me about how I should never relax around blacks
>realize that the cashier girl must have called security because of her
>try to penguin slide over the counter to get to safety
>my gut gets caught on the shelf full of Reese's cups
>I accidentally headbutt the cash register and knock it into the cashier girl
>it falls on top of her and pins her to the floor
>the security guy arrives
>he takes my bottle of spaghetti and throws it away
>I start screaming and flailing, pointing to the black woman and explaining how it's her fault
>I shit my pants a little
>security guy throws my ass out onto the street, tells me not to come back
>a homeless guy sees me and steals the $20 out of my fanny pack
>I burst into treats

>at home, playing with my little ponies in my room while wearing a fedora (with chin strap) and a red cape with polka dots
>doorbell rings
>open the door
>get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur
>try to walk the dinosaur
>can't do it
>cute girl starts laughing
>guido jock near her notices me and starts laughing too
>tell him that I don't appreciate this behavior, but I mumble
>the jock flexes his muscles to get everyone's attention on me, now everyone laughs while walking the dinosaur
>I keep mumbling
>he asks me to speak louder as he laughs and grinds the girl
>as I shout I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS BEHAVIOR, spaghetti rockets out of my pocket and spreads everywhere
>people slip on the spaghetti while walking the dinosaur and fall down
>rage very hard and pull out pinata from my pocket to hit the guido with it
>hit the girl instead
>pinata bursts into treats
>I shout GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IF YOU DON'T APPRECIATE MY SPAGHETTI as I fart incontrolably
>guido tries to punch me but slips on spaghetti
>he grabs my cape and I fall down
>he throws a kick towards my ass and makes shit explode everywhere
>people have shit, pasta and liquefied treats on them
>they leave in panic
>collect spaghetti from the floor and mix it with liquid treats and water to make sauce
>just in time for MLP
>everything went better than expected

>>try to penguin slide over the counter to get to safety

That gave me a great image, I actually loled

>'b-bag that shit up'

10/10 brilliant.

>>462578
>fedora (with chin strap)
lol, has this now entered the greentext canon?

>at home
>sick and tired of doing nothing
>decide to socialize and go to a bowling alley
>walk up to the counter
>cute girl asks how many are in my party
>"o-one"
>"What?"
>"j-just one please"
>"erm okay.."
>she looks at me like a freak
>grab my shoes and go to my lane
>the lane next to me is a group of 8 people all laughing and having a good time
>set up my game and pick up a ball
>throw my first ball straight into the other lane
>everybody starts laughing
>"hey where are your friends you loser"
>i look up and shout "2011, NEEDING FRIENDS TO HAVE FUN"
>everybody stares
>shout "COSTANZA.JPG" and hold the look for 20 seconds
>laughter erupts around the building
>dash for the exit
>cape gets caught in the bowling ball ducts
>fall on my ass
>burst into bears

>>462656

oh my god
fkd jfkd f

>>462656
>i look up and shout "2011, NEEDING FRIENDS TO HAVE FUN"
>everybody stares
>shout "COSTANZA.JPG" and hold the look for 20 seconds

OH GOD AHAHAHAHA

6:30 hours later I have a test that's not going to go smoothly and here I am laughing my ass off at greentext. Life's good.

>go to the prom alone
>imagine having friends encouraging me to talk to the hot girl
>"well guys, h-here I go"
>walk up to her in a haters gonna hate walk
>the nearer I get the more I regret trying
>I turn my fedora around like Ashe Ketchum and do it anyway
>"I wish to ask permission to dance with you"
>she looks at me in disgust
"I SAID I WISH TO ASK PERMISSION TO DANCE WITH YOU"
>just then a bunch of jocks show up
>yelp and throw my spaghetti at them
>this just pisses them off
>they beat me up
>on the floor looking up
>see people hitting a pinata
>burst into treats

>>462578
>pinata bursts into treats

>had spaghetti problems in the past
>put on my thinking cape
>wriggle some of my chains because I have OCD
>one of the chains breaks
>ask dad to weld me a new chain when he brings the parmesan
>back to thinking, I turn on Barenked Ladies - Walking on the Sun because it helps me think
>realize that if I grind it up in the blender, it will be soupy and I can put it in my Water bottle I bring to the Gym (I can bench 150, get jelly)
>walk up the stairs from the basement into the kitchen
>trip on my invisibility cloak
>my cape and cloak become a garbled mess
>have to strip naked, and cover my dignity
>still determined to blenderize my spaghetti
>start humming Nickelback - Arms Wide Open to calm my nerves like I do in physics class when he brings up indefinite integrals because + C reall bothers me
>get the blender out after mom shows me where it is
>she goes back to the bathroom to wipe
>get my spaghetti from the freezer (I keep a few pounds in there in case my stache runs low)
>take off the 2 layers of polyurethane (that's plastic btw)
>move aside my Lego castle and put the spaghetti into the blender
>turn that b-b-bitch up to max power
>it tears up the blade pretty badly, and pops out, hitting me in the eye
>pretty to be Lee Sin the Blind Monk and use my Q on the blender
>forgot to turn it off and chop off my finger
>my spaghetti juice is covered in blood
>I'll just tell everyone I added marinara
>time to hit the gym

>>462656
I've seen this on /sp/ before

>Wake up on a monday
>Oh god mondays
>really have to shit
>Just before I go to the bathroom I see the school bus coming
>Grab tuba and run out the door without shitting
>Sit on the back seat, all the others are to small for me
>see cute girl I've loved sense 7th grade
>maybe she'll see that I'm the one for her today and sit with me
>she doesn't
>"fuck that whore fuck her!" I think as treats roll down my eye
>I lick them off my cheeks because I love the salty taste

...

>>462746
>I can bench 150

That actually isn't too bad.

>Tell her to 'b-bag that shit up''
>"EW WYTE BOI WHY YOU GOT DEM NOODLES IN DAT BOTTLE DASS NASTY"
Those two comments man

>>462760

I'm sorry but did r9k already lose?

>>462267
Oh god, I lol'd, and then thought some more, and then realized this is basically me

>>462775

>get to school
>really have to shit but have fear of public bathrooms
>squeeze my ass cheeks really hard so I don't have to shit anymore
>make it to third period band class
>playing like a boss
>get to really low note
>the tone causes my asshole to vibrate
>cant stop playing as I start farting
>I can feel the shit coming
>People stop playing and stare at me as I fart and shit my pants
>All their assholes are being vibrated by the sound of my tuba
>we all fart and shit ourselves, spaghetti comes out of my tuba
>shit and spaghetti everywhere
>principle walks in and sees us all farting and shitting
>he does a 360 and walks away

>taking a shit
>I've got my DS with me in my fanny pack because I knew it was going to be a long one and I might get lonely
>there's a knock at the bathroom door
>I carefully lean over and open the door a couple of inches
>it's LeBron James
>he asks me how much longer I'm going to be because he had some of my spaghetti and now his tummy hurts
>I tell him to b-b-back his ass up
>he doesn't
>I start yelling for my mom because I need her to wipe my ass
>she yells back at me that she can't do it right now because Maury is on
>seeing no other option, I stand up and put my cape in between my legs
>I pull it up into my buttcrack and pull it back and forth to clean myself
>I get ready to walk out
>LeBron asks me wtf I'm doing
>I say "oh, sorry" and put my cape in the toilet
>try to flush, it clogs
>realize my cape is ruined
>shed a single, manly treat
>LeBron says he'll just go find a McDonalds bathroom or whatever, and that my spaghetti was terrible anyway
>he finally b-b-backs that ass up
>beta as fuck

>>462839
Real talk, playing a concert E flat on the baritone makes my dick vibrate.

>>462895
I wish the baritone wasnt loud as fuck, because when I used to play I like how it vibrated around.

I contemplate buying one to mess around with it.

http://vocaroo.com/?media=v8Ticff68TNAexp9w

I turned your story into an audio-book because it reminded me of when I was in the ladies toilets and got punched even though I was in there to stalk someone else.

>>462746
>>she goes back to the bathroom to wipe

Lost it right there.

originalcontent

Am i the only one who doesn't find any of this funny?

>>462955
If not you're the first one to post it instead of just leaving the thread.

>>462465
mmfmfmfmfmfmffffhhhfhffphphphphmmmmmmhahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH OH GOD OH GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PLEASE STOP HAHAHAHA

Damn it, /r9k/ has caused me to laugh at the mere mention of spaghetti, and it honestly is my favourite food.

these are fucking great. I wanna hear more about this chinstrap fedora wearing neckbeard.

>suddenly remember I spent all my money on my new fedora

Oh man, I lost my shit.

>>462023
>>462060
>>462159
ITT op obvious samefags his shitty thread

>>461833
>>461822
not subtle at all, but made me laugh

8/10

>>462927
Oh god, it's even funnier when you read it out loud.

>>462927


>Fucking up an otherwise great oral presentation right at the end

I know that feel bro. I really do.

Lol spaghetti lolololol
spaghetti
>burst into spaghetti
>bears, lol
treats

lol

>

>>462564

http://vocaroo.com/?media=vETxfiF0fGOpGiXFp

Almost lost it at "Penguin slide"

>>463076

I was tempted to re-do the entire thing just because of that.

>>463108


>That feel when you make one little mistake in a recording

>that feel when ever subsequent recording is worse and has more mistakes

>>463134

Which is why I didn't, although it's really bugging me now.

>English 101
>cant find room
>along corridor I see a door slightly ajar
>open door (remain standing)
>a group of girls discussing some shit
"Oh, sorry didnt know you guys were in here"
>close door
>hear giggling
>Oh god they're laughing at me
"I... H-hear th..that!"
>They start laughing more
>Go to walk further up corridor
>realise my cape is stuck in the door
>open door once again and remove it
>too late for English
>go to canteen, get lunch ready
>they come in to the canteen too
>they see me
>they start pointing and laughing and come over
>they sit at my table
>I pull my lunch out of my fanny pack
>they start laughing at my food
Th-this is my meal I prepared myself. if you...you don't like it-
>the tall one knocks my fedora off my head
>leave my spaghetti and run back home

Fucking sluts.

>at uni with gradually worsening stomach pains
>head home as fast as public transportably possible
>bus arrives 15mins late
>sit down in empty seat
>hot chick sits next to me
>hold back the poots as best as possible
>squeaks and groans emanate from my posterior region
>bus htis a pothole and time slows down as I realize what will happen when I land
>arms shoot out and grab onto the seats! crisis averted!
>girls looks at me like im a fucking lunatic
>bus then runs over a bump
>a fart like a squeaky door opening escapes my butthole
>girl next to me turns around and gawks at me
>she turns so fast a wet fart that sounds like bulldog sneezing at the exact same time escapes her own lovering
>both of us are perfectly still
>silently relish the aroma of each others farts
>a wild boner appears! oh shit my stop!
>squeeze past the girl and let out a couple of farewell toots
>crabwalk my way back home at MAXIMUM VELOCITY with sphincter sealed air tight
>fumble way into house
>shirt off before im past the doorway, pants off before I get to the toilet
>gas pressure ejects a colossal buttnugget out of my cornhole like some sort of turd mortar
>pray to crapotor jesus that the shit lands in the shitter as I slam my asshole down as fast as possible to seal the eldritch stench within the sanctity of the holy bowl
>the whole house reverberates with the sound of wet sheets being ripped as the unholy beast reduces me to tears as it is exorcised
>let forth a guttural growl of pain and ecstasy as satan himself swan dives out of my ravaged asshole with tears and a mouthful of saliva
>finally overcome with a sense of relief and emptiness as I feel like I have been literally hollowed out, poochute first
>check bowl to survey damage and have a wipe
>bowl is empty and paper comes off clean

>>462514

http://vocaroo.com/?media=v65lcV1wA7yf5ik79

Maybe next year, robot...

>it's a beautiful midsummer's day
>my mom walks into my darkened bedroom and says I should be outside enjoying the weather
>"b-but, mom! I'm in the middle of writing a greentext story for 4chan!"
>she huffs and pulls the plug out of my computer
>"go to the mall with your friends or something. I need to clean this room anyway, it stinks in here!"
>I get scared she might find my cum sock, so I put it in my pocket and take it with me
>head towards the comic shop in the mall
>I notice the cashier who previously banned me for spilling spaghetti on the floor is there, so I walk past
>I find a quiet spot and lean against wall with my fedora tipped down low, like they do in anime
>a down syndrome child walks up to me
>he runs his toy car up my leg, making "VROOOM" noises
>his mom laughs and says, "aw, he likes you"
>"well, I do have a way with children," I say
>quickly adding, "a non-sexual way, I mean"
>her smile falters and she tries to lead her kid away, but he won't budge
>I notice the toy car is slowly climbing towards my crotch
>I start trembling with fear and my penis gets hard

...

>>463361
>she notices my bulge and pulls the kid away quite forcefully
>he grabs onto my crotch
>I spasm in orgasm
>the mother yells for help
>I knee the child in the face and sprint away as fast as I can
>crash right into a girl from school who I like
>blood is pouring from her nose where our heads collided
>"oh god, Laura, I'm so sorry"
>I reach into my pocket for a tissue but accidentally pull out my cum sock instead
>"GET OFF ME YOU CREEP! . . . And how do you know my name!?"
>"it's me, Melvin! We've been in the same class for the last 8 years!"
>at that moment a security guard tackles me to the ground
>while he holds me in an arm lock he asks Laura, "excuse me, miss, do you know this man?"
>"yes, his name's Melvin and he goes to my school," she says, and writes down the school's phonenumber for him
>I wet myself in fear, which causes him to slacken his grip
>I wriggle free and run out of the mall, glancing back once to see him slip to the floor in my puddle of piss
>finally get home to find my mom waiting for me, looking angry
>"Melvin, we need to have a discussion"
>I look past her and see an array of my cum stained items of clothing and anime memorabilia piled on the floor
>dammit

>>463361
>>463372

I would believe it if it weren't so damned plausible.

archive plawks

>Take the bus to school
>It's a really cold day, decide to drink some energy drinks to perk myself up
>Sitting by myself as usual
>Out of the blue, a hot shy girl sits next to me
>"T-this isn't a part of my daily schedule!" I think to myself
>Start sweating despite the cold
>She looks at me and bites her lip awkwardly, trying to choose the right words
>"A-are you ill?"
>Can't contain it any longer and begin to cry
>Start clambering over her, scratching at the fire escape
>She is screaming under my weight
>Suddenly my stomach starts to rumble
>The energy drinks must have had a negative impact on my bowels
>Release the girl from under my gut, she is crying and shaking
>Members of the bus push me into a corner and try to calm the girl down
>My pupils are dilating
>I don't think anyone knows how powerful this shit is going to be
>The spaghetti I stored for lunch has slipped out of my pockets
>Suddenly... silence
>Everywhere is quiet, and all the members of the bus realize this
>They look around in confusion
>A ringing sound comes from my anus
>Everyone stares at me
>It's the only sound in the world at the moment
>The bus starts shaking
>Time had slowed down, and I can hear a second sound
>The slow ticking of a man's wrist watch
>A very high pitched fart squeezes its way out of my anus
>Seconds of pure silence
>...
>It begins

...

>virgin in high school.
>everyone says that having sex is easy in college.
>go to college, wait through the whole first semester.
>still a virgin.
>decide to try "partying."
>put on my best coolguy hawaiian shirt and fedora.
>go to nearby frat party.
>they won't let me in at the door.
>sneak around the building and try the back door.
>it's locked, but I spot an open window.
>manage to squeeze through, wind up in the kitchen.
>decide to make some spaghetti as long as I'm here.
>can't find any plates, so I put it in a zip-lock bag and hide it in my pocket.
>fuckin' SMART.
>go out to the party.
>wtf, it's just a bunch of people dancing.
>too nervous to dance so I just stand at the edge of the room and do recon.
>after a few minutes I decide to explore the house.
>go upstairs and see a bottle of liquors on a table.
>remember 4chan telling me that alcohol makes you social.
>chug the whole bottle.
>it tastes really bad but I do it anyway.
>eat a little spaghetti to get the taste out of my mouth.
>frat guys walk in on me slurping up noodles.
>they ask if I drank their booze.
>say "no, I'm just eating spaghetti."
>they give me a weird look and I think they're going to do something.
>kick the table out of my way and run out the door.
>lock it behind me so I can make good my escape.
>make my way back downstairs.
>feeling really dizzy and sick.
>still really nervous, heart is pounding and I'm all sweaty from running down the hall.
>decide to "man up" and danse anyway.
>spot a cutie patootie dancing with her friends.
>tap her on the shoulder and say "excuse me miss, would you care to dance?"
>she doesn't respond.
>decide that she probably can't hear me over the music.
>tap her shoulder again and shout "EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE?"
>she says no, so I ask her friends.
>they all say no.
>decide that I'm being too beta.

>>463431

.
>spot another cutie patootie and make my way up to her.
>start grinding on her from behind.
>she moves away but I keep grinding her.
>ALPHA AS FUCK.
>turns and says that she needs to go to the bathroom.
>oh, okay. she's probably just freshening up for me.
>decide to follow her to the bathroom so we don't get separated.
>she sees me and cuts the whole line so I don't have to wait as long.
>I stand by the door and try to talk to her through it.
>asking her what her name is, where she's from, ect.
>no response. smalltalk is not working.
>tell her that I love her.
>still no response.
>say it again louder so she can hear me.
>people are giving me weird looks.
>shout "PLEASE RESPOND" through the door.
>suddenly, frat bros show up again.
>they keep saying "you gotta leave, bro" over and over again.
>try to explain that my girlfriend is in the bathroom and I am waiting for her to freshen up.
>they try to grab me and pull me out.
>self-defense reflexes kick in.
>instinctively reach for my pocket sand, but find only spaghetti.
>throw it in their eyes anyway.
>they are blinded by my meaty sauce.
>start karate chopping my way through the crowd.
>swarmed by frat bros.
>I decide to try my power-shriek AoE attack as a last resort.
>halfway through I feel something coming up.
>suddenly, brownish-red vomit everywhere.
>oh god, my body was not ready.
>they immediately let go.
>my eyes start watering from the vomit and I begin to cry.
>try to run away but my shoes and the floor are slick with spaghetti and vomit.
>slip and fall in it twice.
>lost my hat, shirt is ruined.
>...
>never go to a party again.

>>463324
came at b-bag that shit up

>>463372

http://vocaroo.com/?media=v4jSD1T0LxU2OwShw

Nice and peaceful.

>>463423
>I have the most gigantic shit of my life, a liquid time bomb
>I shoot out of the bus roof at mach speed, covering everything in my path in liquid shit
>I spiral out of the atmosphere, the cold air on my face is welcoming
>I'm now in space
>A single tear dribbles down my face
>I smile for the first time in years
>"I-I'm finally free..."
>The tear drips off my chin and sparkles in the deep black void
>I explode into treats, my remains fall to earth
>The entire earth is covered in sweets
>There is no longer world famine
>World leaders dance and rejoice
>The shy girl stands up, still covered in shit and spaghetti
>She stares into space and begins to weep tears of joy

>"I knew you were the one."

>decide to go see The Thing since it's my favorite movie
>mom drops me off at the theater
>get impatient, open my yu-gi-oh lunchbox
>fucking mom packed spicy tonnarelli with clams instead of spaghetti
>it's too late, she's already gone.
>can feel my face get hot as my vision starts to fade
>scream like lo pan and chuck my lunchbox at the bushes
>calm down and remind myself I'm here to see ghosts of mars
>go up to the counter
>thankfully no cute girls
>still out of breath from my rage-fit
>try to tell him the name of my movie but it wont come out
>latinoid behind me screams "YO ESSAY HURRY UP"
>finally get my ticket and go inside
>my puffy shirt (like the pirates used to wear) gets caught in the door
>everyone laughs but is not a cute girl so I'm only a little embarrassed
>take my shirt off and go inside
>decide not to get snacks because I don't want to take off my shrek mask

>>463518
>find my seat inside, theater fills up a little
>movie starts, for some reason the dog isn't in it
>kurt russell looks cuter than I remember, strat to get hard
>take off my shutter shades only to find out I got a boner to scott pilgrim
>look around me and realize the theater if full of nothing but cute girls in my little pony, naruto, and battlestar galactica t-shirts
>get up, hang my head in shame and try to hurry out
>the spurs on my cowboy boots drag on the carpet
>trip and fall as my boner lands inside a girl's bellybutton
>try to get it out before I cum but it's too late
>they hold me down and take turns period blooding into my mouth
>once I'm finally free I stumble outside disoriented
>see mary elizabeth winstead covered in tonarelli and horrible burns all over her face, crying
>"I was waiting in the bushes deciding today was the day I tell you how much you mean to me, but now I don't love you anymore"
>crowd starts to form
>get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur
>people look puzzled as to why I just did that
>kurt russell picks my ass up and throws me in a cop car
>john carpenter drives me home and scolds me the entire time
>never allowed to leave the house again.

>>461822
>>461833

in the end i was expecting
>walk the dynosaur
>spaghetti everywere
should be more than justified and fitting well into the plot

but you took me by surprise

>>463431
>>463435

Holy shit.

So long, but so worth it.

>how I pictured you.

>>463442
Dude your readings are great

>>463023

>calling me a samefag
>not knowing that i always use this name

lolno!

>>463435
the only credible one

Yeah, whoever did the recordings deserves a trip to use when he reads stories

There are a couple gems in this thread, including the OP, but a lot of people need to learn that simply dropping in memes does not make a good greentext story.

Best greentext thread in a minute

> Middle of summer vacation
> Mom comes in shouting and tells me to go to the mall with my friends and socialize
> Scream 'No!' at her
> Says she'll throw my bionicles away
> Accept defeat, put on fanny pack and leave once she's tied my shoes and given me $20
> Start sweating real bad on the way to the mall, sweat patches forming on back, armpits and the backs of my knees
> Arrive at the mall, Pikachu t-shirt stuck to my skin
> See the girl I have been in love with for 7 years hanging out with friends
> Decide today is the day to introduce myself
> Start walking over, immediately regret it
> Face burning up and vision starting to blur
> Her and her friends are looking at me
> They must have noticed my shirt
> Try to peel it off but it's really stuck
> Leave it round my neck like a scarf
> 'Are you ok?' she says
> 'Uh n-n-not much, you?'
> Weird looks and laughing
> Skin hotter than the sun
> Fighting back the tears, mouth and eyes twitching
> 'Uh, I think we'd better go'
> Try to explain myself
> 'NO WAIT! We're meant to be Laura!'
> 'WTF creep how do you know my name?'
> Tears start to roll down my face
> Lift my fedora to grab my hanky but my spaghetti stash falls out and runs down my face
> Let go and the chinstrap pings it down, splashing sauce all over her
> She screams

>>465584

> Grab the corner of my cape to try and wipe it off
> Accidentally trip and sock her in the face
> Gasps
> Decide to bolt, running low to the ground like a ninja
> Trip on my cape again
> Hit face on floor and bust nose
> grabbing at face, the pain is too much
> I feel a squeak sneek out my ass
> Oh god no
> Crowd forming round me
> 'THAT GUY JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE'
> Sobbing, one hand grabbing face the other my ass
> Pressure building in anus
> Can no longer contain it
> Wet squelching anal explosions
> Quickly stand up and fight way through crowd
> Uncontrollable shitting parts the seas of people
> Security tackle me to the ground
> They phone my mom
> She cries and apologises
> Make her listen to my Pokemon The Third Movie Soundtrack cassette the whole ride home

Some are great, but as a poster previously said, just writing meme's isnt funny...

monkey

cocks

>>462746
>get my spaghetti from the freezer (I keep a few pounds in there in case my stache runs low)
>stache runs low
>stache
>stache
>stache<

>>465584

hmwahahaha

>>461822
>banana milkshake

LOL'd hard thanks anon

A+ thread

mootblox

>in mechanics class
>quiet guy, no friends
>in order to avoid sitting close to someone I choose a seat on the side
>cute girl enters the class
>smiles at me and asks if I can move in a seat since it's empty
>panic and stand up then sit down again
>the girl looks confused and moves over me and takes the seat next to me
>says that I'm cute and asks if I want to grab a coffee sometime
>immediate flow of angst overwhelms me
>remembers the lessons taught to me by internet
>stand up and scream out the chorus of my favorite power metal song
>at first everyone is silent, then they stop laughing
>am sent the principles office
>tells me that interrupting classes is a serious crime and that I'm in big trouble
>tell him that I'll do anything
>he starts unzipping his pants
>the girth of his bbc forces me into a lockjaw
>return to class and my seat beside the cute girl
>half of the students points and me and gargles
>the girls tells me that she thinks I have a beatiful voice
>as I turn my head she notices the semen hanging from my mustache
>starts screaming
>get expelled
>depressed and contemplating suicide

I haven't laughed this hard at a thread in months. Good show.

>I'll never be as boss as OP

it's the cape that always gets me hahah

>>462465
wow that's the post of the century right there

>get home from school
>another day, another 20lb of spaghetti to cook
>tomato emergency occurs and i require more to produce sauce
>yell at stupid mother to watch the operation while go into the zone for supplies
>put on my sturdiest cape - +6 defense. totalled with my rainboots and fedora, i was clocking base+15
>take post-its in my fanny pack to ward off attackers
>walk outside, the sun blinds me. initiate aviators. +1 defense, vision penalty reduced
>defeat frog-boss on creek detour (to avoid running into NPCs), +300exp, acquire new weapon: swamp-stick
>ward off hostile NPCs with new swamp-stick weapon as i head to the shop
>get to market, grab 2 dozen tomatoes and head to the shop NPC
>"yes hello - 2 dozen tomatoes please. thanks"
>female NPC eyes me strangely as i give her the gold and snatch my tomatoes before running off
>sturdy cape tangles in my legs, i fall onto my tomatoes before i manage to escape
>try to crawl away in the tomato juice but its too slippery, i wriggle like a helpless baby
>chinstrap snaps and my fedora flies off, -4 defense
>NPCs surround me and begin dancing
>wake up in the hospital
>only had shitty +2d hospital gown

>>476814
Lol, wtf game is this?!

It's like I'm back on /tg/...

That was so goood. I lolled. Hard.

Holy fuck my sides

> At the store i see a hot girl 10/10
> trying not to be beta walk up and ask "hey would you like to go out with me someti-" before i finish i slip and fall
> she helps me up and giggles "of course! well, if you promise you won't fall all over the place.
> she hands me her number and i walk home and decide to call her
> "hey how are you etc." we then decide to meet up at a local seafood place
> im so nervous, so i play some games before i meet her around 5,
> i look up its already 4:55. i forgot to shave and shower, so i get to the restaurant, with a five oclock
shadow and a sweatshirt and jeans.
> she sees me and waves me over to the table "you look....nice" she says i was so nervous i threw up in my mouth so i had to use something to cover it. The waiter was taking our order so i just used his apron.
> the waiter doesn't realize and continues on his way. I got a salad and she got the smoked salmon and a roll with blackberry jam. We start talking and i notice her tits. I start feeling a boner popping up
> i try to get up to go to the bathroom and my boner over turns the table knocking over an old lady down the stairs.
> she sees my boner, and goes "ahoowga ahooooga prepare to dive" she crosses over and unzips me and starts blowing me in front of everyone.
> i start moaning and spagetti starts pouring out of my dick, i start crying and she slowly sucks the spaghetti out of me, almost roaring as she does.
>it all makes sense the salmon, the berries, she was a bear
> i was frightened but gently i caressed her fur and with the force of a thousand diamonds i came in her, it grew and grew and flooded the restaurant.
And needless to say i was banned from the food courts

>Finally ask this girl out that I've had a crush on ever since the 8th grade
>Drive back from university to meet her.
>Tell her that tonight we are going to a fancy restaurant, she smiles back at me.
>Finally arrive at the best Chucky Cheese in all of the Detroit area
>Take her inside, she looks a little disappointed.
>Ask her what's wrong.
>"Oh, oh...nothing. Nothing, I guess," she sighs.
>Tell her that she better enjoy her time, because I spent a long time planning this date.
>Race her to the ball pit
>On the way to the ball pit, I notice she's no longer in sight.
>Have a good time tunneling in the ball pit anyway.
>Make my ball pit fort over the course of a half an hour.
>Stick my head out of fort and see my date flirting with the chucky cheese mascot.
>"Not this time."
>Set myself up in line with Chucky cheese and graciously penguin slide right at him.
>Make impact, knock him off his fucking feet.
>Hear a loud crack, his legs are broken as shit.
>Stand up and brush the spaghetti off my cape, tell my girlfriend that I'm the last person she'll cheat in front of.
>She's at a lose for words. What a fucking slut.
>Tells me that I'm the worst type of person, and starts to walk out toward the front exit.
>"NOOOOOOOOOOO, PLEASE COME BACK, LOVE! I LOVE YOU. PLEASE, GIVE ME A CHANCE," I yell, slowly penguin sliding up beside her, a tear streaming from my eye.
That night I tried to win her a Sonic plushie to make up. I was a couple hundred tokens short, so I asked to borrow some.

>>462781
If you're a woman who weighs less than 160lbs maybe. Benching < 1.3x bodyweight is not even close to impressive.

>be at home watching animu
>I have on my baby blue cape complete with cumstains (sailor moon amirite?)
>little brother comes in wearing his football jersey and kicks me in the face
>"drive me to the mall, asshole" he says
>I peek out from under my starred wizard hat at him
>"y-y-you could say please, y-y-you prick"
>little brother pours my Chef Boyardee mini-dinosaurs all over my pokemon cards
>I rage like Akira
>I grab a sai from the case on my dresser, right next to my Raphael action figure
>My brother sees the sai in my hand and says "What the fuck are you gonna do with that faggot?"
>I stand, making sure not to tear my cape, and straighten my wizard hat
>I spin the sai in my right hand as my brother laughs
>"come at me, bro" he says
>I flip the sai out and run toward my brother

...

you had me at "shuryuken"

How long did that take you? Do you feel satisfied that I enjoyed reading it? Was it worth it?

>>479856
>brother cuts me off at the knees
>i land face into his ass
>He tries to fart but shits instead
>the smell is awful
>I try to stand up but my brother is wrapping his arms just above My Little Pony slippers
>I jam the sai in his back and he yelps
>He apologizes and asks if he can make up for it
>I tell him I'm sick of canned spaghetti and can he make some homemade
>He said sure and left
>An hour later my bro came in with a sandbucket full of spaghetti.
>We both dug into the pasta and talked about virgins at school
>To thank him I took off my cape and hung it on his neck
>It clashed with the football jersey but meh
>I donned my black velvet cape and put on my bowler
>I had to look good while driving my little bro to the mall

>>462465

favorite one
my god, I'm crying

>be 17
>mom tells me to get out of the house
>whatever b-bitch
>grab my stave and set out for the park to practice sparring
>hot outside, team rocket shirt plastered to skin from sweat
>adjust cape slightly to increase airflow
>arrive at destination
>begin routine, make sure to keep eyes slightly hidden by fedora because it looks cool
>commonfolk pass and look on in awe at my prowess
>they usher their young ones past lest they be shamed by my ability
>stop for a spaghetti break
>look off into distance
>spot a cloaked figure near a line of trees at far end of field
>immediately drop current bag of spaghetti and grab stave
>this is the battle of my life.
>approach figure
>I can feel his gaze peering out from beneath the rim of his fedora
>he is taking in my physique, judging if I am a worthy opponent
>suddenly he jerks his head up, chins billowing from the shockwave of power
>I notice the chin strap on his fedora
>ancient red runes, impressive
>i am facing a wizard
>i have spent too much time envying his chin strap
>my opponent lets out a shout
>FUS RO DAH!
>as i fly backwards, one of my spaghetti bags ruptures and pasta flies everywhere
>start shitting uncontrollably
>i immediately apologize and get up, grabbing whatever spaghetti i can
>i start walking briskly away, shit running down my pant legs
>cute girl ive loved since the second grade saw everything
>i can't let him have her
>I LOVE YOU FIONA, REMEMBER THAT FOREVER, HIS THUUM WILL NEVER SATISFY YOU THE WAY I CAN
>arrive back home
>mom didn't prepare any spaghetti for my return
>fucking cunt