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So you want to know how I met your mother?

This one day, I decided to go to the mall to stare at all the preppy mall kids and make them question their own existence and perhaps even turn to Satan. But despite how totally kvlt I was being, everyone was ignoring me. So I went to that retched food court and sat down to contemplate the Burzum song stuck in my head.

And that's when your mother came up to me. Well, maybe not right away. I kind of stared at the back of her head for a very long time. She was dressed in this ridiculous pink dress and I assumed she was a happy person.

Then at some point, some dork with spiky yellow hair came over and talked to her for a while. She seemed to be enjoying herself, so I just stared harder. But then a few of his friends came over, and they all started laughing at her, and she started crying. I kept staring at her.

Later on, she turned around and noticed me staring. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and came over. She asked me who I was dressed as.

I laughed at her and told her that just because someone is dressed to reflect their inner cold dark soul, they are not "dressed as someone". But then I told her my corpsepaint was loosely modeled after Abbath.

She asked what show he was from.

I didn't understand the question.

She apologized and told me she'd assumed I was at the convention. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She explained to me that she was dressed as some chick from some video game. Her friends had asked her to dress as this chick for some group, but then they'd found themselves someone who fit the character better. Then she started crying.

Then suddenly she hugged me. I didn't know what to do so I started singing "The Call of the Wintermoon". She told me I had a beautiful voice.

>>2075483

moar

This is the most worthwhile thing i've seen in /mu today. More.

At this point, she offered to take me back to her hotel room. I had never received such an offer before, but I had watched enough CSI to know to be suspicious. I asked her what she intended to do there, and she told me she'd purchased some Aeris Cloud Slash in the dealer's room and she wanted to show it to someone. I had no idea what any of those words meant, but I assumed it either had to do with some pagan ritual or some sort of drug.

The hotel was across the street, and it was raining. I was worried my corpse paint would run, but she had an umbrella with her. She called it her prop, and it was clear that she had made it herself, poorly. But it did the job well enough.

>>2075524
sir you are a master of prose and suspense. MOAR

>>2075411

oh wow check out Tifa.

MOOOARRRRR!!!!

We got to her hotel room; it was the 66th room on the 6th floor of the hotel, but they had numbered it 1666 because when the hotel was designed, it was supposed to have two towers. It had only one tower, and thus failed both the number of the beast reference and the Tolkien reference.

The room had in it two king-sized beds and something like ten suitcases strewn about the room. One of the suitcases had Hello Kitty all over it. I kicked it. She started to bend down to pick it up, but then changed her mind.

>>2075539
by Tifa do you mean the arm?

>>2075539
I think you mean Aeris.

>>2075546

Oh yeah.

>>2075411>>2075544

many lulz are being had, continue!!

"That suitcase is Amy's. She's Tifa. I should have been Tifa. She doesn't have the boobs for it," she said. "Who's ever heard of a Tifa with no boobs?"

That was the most I have ever heard a girl say "boobs".

She plopped down on the bed and pushed a few things onto the floor. "They made me sleep on the floor last night. When I agreed to this room, they said there would be cots for everyone who didn't have a bed. I guess I should have seen it coming for $10 for the weekend. It probably breaks some fire code or something."

"Would you like to set the building on fire? I have a lighter..." I started.

"There's something else I'd like to set on fire, actually."

>>2075564
shits getting hot now.

>>2075571
oh u

such a random pic spawning so much fun

MOOOOARRRR!!!

"The mall? Most of it is cement."

She shook her head and began to slip out of her red jacket top thing. "This is the first time I've ever done this, you know," she said, then when she saw the look of confusion on my face, quickly added, "at a con, anyway."

"So what was this Aries Cloud Slasher thing you wanted to do?"

"You... think that would help?"

I'm fapping so hard guys

>>2075564
>"Would you like to set the building on fire? I have a lighter..." I started.

soo good lol

>>2075594
oh god this is amazing

I honestly didn't know what to answer, so I nodded. She slipped down the side of the bed and grabbed a bag off the floor. "It's somewhere in here. I went a bit crazy at the yaoi table, and then they had this for some reason. It's my favorite OTP from the series, so I had to buy it. It's kind of soft." She produced a badly drawn comic book.

The cover depicted a girl dressed in what I recognized as the same dress the girl, your mother, was wearing, and a guy with spiky hair like that guy at the mall. Something in me told me it was all starting to make sense, but the rest of me had no idea what it was talking about.

After she slipped off her sweater thing she stood up and, after a moment's hesitation, blushed and dropped her skirt around her knees. I was cold as ice and totally apathetic but when she just stood there blushing I started to feel sorry for her. So I gave her a good long low whistle for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought nah forget it yo home to bel-air. I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell you later I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of bel air

this is awesome

>>2075645
Ruined it, fuck.

GTFO.

RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So many cool references , awesome.

>>2075645
7/10, valiant effort

>>2075645
fuck you. don't ruin this for me.

>>2075645
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I opened the book - the writing was in Japanese, but something on the first page had to do with the girl giving the guy a flower or something. There was some blushing and it was all very cutesy. I vomited in my mouth a little.

I flipped ahead a bit more and stopped. The girl was now sitting on the guy's face, shitting into his mouth. I kid you not. My jaw dropped. In all my years of sitting in my mother's basement reading the liner notes to single run presses of demos of obscure second wave true Norwegian Black Metal bands, I had never seen something so... disturbing. The closest I'd seen is a picture of someone shitting into a toilet while someone else was naked in the same bathroom covered in blood. But that was nothing compared to this.

I looked up at my girl (I don't know where I'd started thinking of her as my girl, but by this point, I was definitely thinking of her that way.) She'd stripped down to her underwear - a bra, some white cotton panties, and control top pantyhose with a run in them.

I looked back down at the page. Was she planning to shit in my mouth? I hoped not... no... I hoped so.

this is by far the best thing on /mu/ in a long time

>>2075645
gtfo

>>2075676

I didn't know what to say, so I asked her directly. "Are you planning to shit in my mouth?"

She looked up, confused.

"Like in this book."

"Um... Do you want me to?"

"I don't know."

"I don't think I could. I haven't eaten anything since the last time..." She blushed. "I've been mostly drinking ramoonay all day."

I had no idea what that was. She provided me with an oddly shaped bottle. When I tried to drink from it, it got all over me. She laughed and showed me what to do. It tasted like Sprite but sweeter.

She giggled, then said, awkwardly, "Let's get you out of those wet pants."

"They're not that wet..." I started, but she hushed me.

>>2075676

I don't understand this. Why is it so funny?

.>>2075711
If you don't understand anime culture or final fantasy 7 its not, if you do its hillarious.

Unfortunately, she was not prepared for my belt. It was an awesome belt, with bullets and spikes and stuff, but it wasn't easy to get out of. After a few seconds, she gave up on her attempt to use her teeth, and after a few more minutes, she gave up. "You're going to have to show me what to do here."

I turned around (I don't know why, but it felt the right thing to do) and removed my belt. I turned back around to find her attempting to get her ribbon out of her hair.

"It's stuck," she said, as if it weren't obvious.

"Start by working out the knots below it," I suggested. "If you don't, they're all just going to get worse."

"You sure know hair," she giggled.

"I get leaves and stuff stuck in my hair all the time when I go out into a forest and just headbang for a while."

She waggled her braid at me, as if asking me to help her. I came in closer.

>>2075729
haha or metal culture. that's the funniest part of this to me by far

>"I get leaves and stuff stuck in my hair all the time when I go out into a forest and just headbang for a while."

Oh God I lol'd

>>2075735
i'm loling at teh fact that this is showing how lame both are, this shit is GOLD.

god, the fucking suspense.

oh gawd the suspense!!!!!

JUST FUCKING FINISH IT. I'M TIRED OF REFRESHING.

>>2075702
I love Ramune!

Holy shit, is that Aeris/Aerith from FF7?!

>>2075787
D-: Is this a troll?

Y/Y

>>2075787
.... ;_;

>>2075787
yeah. fuck. have you not been reading this thread?

>I laughed at her and told her that just because someone is dressed to reflect their inner cold dark soul, they are not "dressed as someone". But then I told her my corpsepaint was loosely modeled after Abbath.

I loled.

She grabbed me and pulled me in tight. In my ear, she whispered "forget my hair. Fuck me."

What?

Before I knew what was happening, she was on her knees working on my pants. I still had the end of her braid in my hands, and, not knowing what to do, I continued to detangle it.

"Sing that song again", she demanded.

Buried beneath the mountains of frost
Years of silent sorrow dream and dark

My zipper was down.

My winterwings of evil sleeps in eternal nights
In deaths cold crypts of snow

Her hands were in my waistband, working the pants down.

The moon chimed my return
With the blackstorms I came

My pants were at my ankles. She started to work on my boot laces.

And not with the winds
The Northern darkness marches through the coldest night

She gave up on my boots and began to stroke me through my underwear.

I can't resist the taste of these winds
And bath my eyes in its grace

She began to kiss me through the cloth. Her left hand reached up behind me and slipped in through my left leg hole.

Frost and winter return to my eyes
The call of the wintermoon

I was beginning to have trouble concentrating.

The call of... the call of the wintermoon

She pushed me backwards onto the bed, and began to climb up on top of me.

Nocturnal clouds blows freely in the distance
In the grey mist of deaths horizon

She pulled my shirt up over my head, rubbing her body along the length of mine.

My winterwings of evil sleeps
In deaths cold crypts of snow

She bit my ear. I hesitated for a moment. "Keep singing", she said.

Buried beneath the mountains of frost
Years of silent sorrow grim and dark

By this point, we were both completely naked. I couldn't recall how this had happened.

Into eternal nights
Hearing the call of the wintermoon

Suddenly the door swung open and some girl in a white shirt and black mini skirt and suspenders and another in a green top and short shorts burst in, talking and laughing. My girl screamed and fell off the bed.

Hearing the call of the wintermoon

the call of the wintermoon...

>>2075801

No, tl;dr.

>>2075815

FUCK DON'T LET IT END LIKE THIS

epic
epic
epic

TOP FUCKING DRAWER

someone archive plz

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK

I am seriously in tears.

>>2075835
seriously. yes.

>>2075815
He should bang Tifa to be uber kvlt.

>>2075855
nah, we already know him and aeries get together.

F5 F5 F5 COME ON FUCKER

>>2075823

==Ending tacked on by the studio due to screening audience reaction==

I jumped out of bed and grabbed the two girls. "I will sacrifice you to my dark lord Satan."

My girl and I stripped them tied them down, one on top of the other in 69 position, and then drew a pentagram around them. I pulled some laxatives from my pocked and stuffed them into the girls. My girl laughed and took the bottle from me and downed a few herself.

Our sacrifices began to shit uncontrollably. We grabbed their feces and stuffed them into each other's mouth. Then I pulled out a knife and started stabbing at the girls. I took the hotel note pad and wrote on it "Excuse all the blood. I only stabbed them five times, and then they fell on a broken lamp."

My girl and I grabbed bathrobes and went outside and hailed a cab. The cabbie seemed confused, but he'd been hauling around cosplayers all day, so he just shrugged. Once in the cab, my girl started shitting everywhere. The cabbie protested, and we killed him. We drove the cab to the forest, where we fucked all night and headbanged and worshipped satan and stuff.

Sorry guys, it's the end. There is no more.

holy shit this is win. holy shit. holy shit.
FINISH

>>2075875
no way this is op.

>>2075884

OP didn't write the story.

>>2075892
true. no way this is the real writer.

>>2075875
Despite not being OP, I lol'd.

>>2075875
I lol'd.

ew

>>2075897
>>2075898
The real writer has infinitely more skill, fake ending sucks cocks.

>>2075896

The writer buckled under studio pressure to rewrite the ending to make the audience happy and the studio a lot of money. Like Terry Gilliam did in Brazil.

>>2075912
The audience isn't happy, we want a real ending.

HURRY WITH THE ENDING FUCKER

>>2075931

If you complain to the studio enough, it might be on the DVD release.

I'm not that big on anime but the metal references made me laugh like hell. Good job OP.

hahaha this rules

>.< this cannot be the end!

When i put a random image that was in my hd ,i never imagined this would become a awesome thread.

hahahaha, oh christ that was good!

Needs OP to write the actual ending

i was thoroughly amused.

>>2076397
It was awesome til the writer bitched out and wrote that lame ending.
I was thoroughly dissapointed.

>>2077397
what is wrong with that guy's legs??

>>2077526
Kid is anorexic and bow-legged.

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>>2077853
awesome.