ads

fucking this girl, had to piss really badly, so my dick was hard but i was having difficulty cuming. She didn't mind. So I faked cumming (was wearing a condom, makes it easier), then went and pissed for five minutes.

>>28582103
When I had to piss while I was fucking i went soft ;_; I took a leak and got hard almost immediatly.

I came during the handjob which was supposed to get me hard enough to put the condom on.

The girl was understanding, but obviously disappointed. I told her I could keep going, but she declined.

Every time I brought home a random bar chick until I made the mental connection--latex condoms + latex allergy = limp 10 minutes in. Got non-latex, no more problems. Still embarrassing though.

Long Story Short, I fuck a 14 year old in the back of my car, im 21...

Im in work clothes because I have to go to work 20 mins after I fuck her then take her home.

I smash her, she bleeds ALL FUCKING OVER ME, cries gets out of the car half naked and just runs... like ive never spoken to her since, she just ran, and was at least a 10 min drive from home.

Meanwhile I had to go to work with blood all over me and make an excuse id seen a car accident and stopped to help... they sent me home early and told me if i was shaken up to take as much time as i needed hahaha

>>28582449

MATT?

>>28582615

Oh lawl

I made sound effects while undressing a girl and then she didn't want to fuck anymore. :(

i was doin this chick, but at the same time watching fresh prince, anyways, i started to laugh and she cried.. i broke up with her in a few days

>>28582737

That's why you never say a thing during sex, unless she starts to change her mind.

I tried to let out a silent fart while fucking a bitch, but quite a bit of liquid crap came out. Funny thing is, we kept fucking and I think she didn't notice.

>>28582982
I lol'd hard

>>28582982
lold hard

>>28582982

y helo thar

>>28582982
>>28583094
>>28583156

Same person

>>28582982
She must have tought it was a pussy fart or something.

>>28583272
My asshole was itchy as fuck, I was so glad to get the fucking over so I could go wipe it.

>>28582737

"wryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

HTH :)

>>28583263
Nope, this was mine, not afiliated with others
>>28583156

...failed atempt at being cool

I yelled out my sisters name during sex once...

...boy was mom pissed

>>28582737
you, sir, are my person hero

I was fooling around with my gf, lightly fingering, nothing serious, and when I pulled my finger out there was this huge glob of what looked and felt like rubber cement. It was embarassing for her, but not for me. I immediately turned gay and now suck cock for money. j/k I do it for free.

>>28582737
What kind of sound effects?

>>28583735
Win

I sometimes hum 80's theme songs. A-Team being a personal favorite

>>28584236
Fuck me thats the tune I was thinking of!

When my boyfriend and I first had sex (we were both virgins) we tried to just slide my pants down but my big ass boots got in the way, so we had to sit there untying them while my legs are spread, panties down. We were both kind of embarassed.

I was out clubbing one night and this chick invites me back to her apartment but says we have to be fast coz her flatmate will be home any minute.

Without a second to lose I strip completely she starts blowing me to get me hard, I slip on a condom and she lays back ont he bed legs spread.

In my hurry I had left my socks on and thought ahhh fuck it who cares, im standing up and fucking her on the edge of the bed, I start really pounding her and lean over her to put a hand down on the bed to prop myself up.

Because i have socks on i slip on the carpet beneath me backwards, my face hits her vagoo and i leave two teeth marks in it... my feet slide backwards and break a fucking mirror.

Now im not talking a normal mirror, you know how wardrobes have like mirror doors the size fo a fucking shopfront window... YAH one of them, i didnt knwo what the fuck to do she had teeth marks in her vagoo and was crying, id fucking broken a huge window.

So i did the only thing i could think of.... grabbed my shit and ran for my life.

>>28583990

Robot sounds mostly.. Servos, capaciters, revving motors... you knoe... the usual

My girl shat on me while riding me; it was all over my stomach.

I was talking to this cute guy for 5 months on the internets only to have her finally tell me that he was a girl : \

Not only a girl, but a hairy, fugly, italian gaiafag drama-bitch who pretended to be a hot japanese guy online.

turns out all the pics she sent me were of her japanese friend, and she had her bro talk to me on the phone for her the three times I did call.

Didn't cyber with her or anything like that, but it srsly pissed me off. I gave up like an entire summer expecting for this imaginary guy to visit my state.

And it turns out to be a smelly phony assed bitch. FUCK!

>>28584513
That is incredibly hot!

>>28584506
rofl

Was having a one night stand with a friend, he did his part, fingering me, licking...got me to cum, did a great job... then was ready for me to take a turn. By this time the drunkenness and sleepiness were setting in...I sucked the tip of his dick for like 2 seconds, then fell over on the bed and went right to sleep.

No wonder nothing ever happened past that night!

One time i poured rum in this girls vagina.
lulz i rox

I have an idea /b/

Combine the Bop-it with the Fleshlight.

thoughts?

>>28584506
LOL'D HARD. HARD.

>>28585576

not familiar with the female anatomy - does that burn them or just feel uncomfortable?

rofl by the way

>>28585949

a complex procedure oriented sextoy?

Sounds like a regular woman to me

>>28585949

a complex procedure oriented sextoy?

Sounds like a regular woman to me

>>28585524

he raped you once you passed out, you know

>>28584506

I can't beat this but..

One afternoon I was pounding away at my girlfriend's ass and pulled out a little too far. This slip was immediately followed by her letting out an enormously long fart; I'm talking 4 seconds of straight noise. This was the first time I ever heard her fart, and it created a dead silence. Thanks to the fact that we were in the missionary position, I could see the look on her face during and after it.. and it wasn't pretty. The smell came soon after, which made me go soft.

Since then, she hasn't let me put it in again.

>>28586474
I lol'd fucking hard

i went soft on a hooker in mexico after like 20 el sols.

Your fortune: Outlook good

yay

I was fucking my gf, and I was going to cum on her face, so I pulled out and quickly moved up so I was sort of straddling her chest, so I could get it on her face. I jerk myself off to completion, and clear her face, hitting the wall above her bed. I was proud of the distance, but disapointed I missed the face...

I was enjoying the prelude to having sex with this Thai guy, who then out of nowhere grabbed my breasts REALLY hard and then rasps in my ear "I wanna fuck your lotus."

I started laughing and couldn't stop, at which point he looks hurt and says, "is my penis too small?"

I had to leave, it was all too awkward.

I mean I like dirty talk, but my "fucking lotus." Jeezus.

>>28586474
something like that,

i was doing my now ex-girlfriend doggystyle, but in the vagoo, and i pulled out to roll her over and the biggest dirtiest sounding pussy fart came out. she was like "what, never heard of a queef before?" as soon as she said that, i put my pants on, with the condom still on, got up put on my shoes, didnt say anything and walked home.

ITT lulz

in b4 bel-air

So along time ago my gf and i were having sex and, since she had just gotten a strap on, we decided to get adventurous. Keep in mind that i am a bi male. Anywho, i hadn't gotten much anal action in a while, and anyone else who is into anal play knows that it shrinks if left alone for a while. anyways, we kind of jokingly establish "Gettysburg Address" as our safety word. She starts to put it in, without stretching me out even a little bit beforehand. Needless to say, it hurt a lot, and sounded something like this:

"Gettysburg address Gettysburgaddressgettysburg--WHAT FUCKING PART OF FUCKING GETTYSFUCKINGBURG AFUCKINGDDRESS DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND SLUT?!"

>>28584513
This wouldn't turn me on, but I'd laugh, and laughing and sex = good times.

So I was fucking my girlfriend and I was about to cum, and she was all like ,"daddy is mommy going to get me ice cream like you promised?", then I totally blew my load all over her face.

ITT: faggots who get weirded out by a queef. It's your fucking dick that is pushing the air in you dumb fucks, so either stop sucking ass at sex, or shut the fuck up.

>>28587632

lol fag.

"Ouch, I haven't had hot man meat in my ass and it hurts!" No matter how many women you have sex with, that's gay always.

So I was about to get to third base with this chick, she was sitting on her bed, I had just lightly fingered her, and I pretty much had my head between her legs, mind you, she still had her jeans on. "Wait," she said. "I would feel really guilty if you didn't lose any clothes." So I sat up on the bed, and she had a bunch of shit all over her leg, makeup and stuff, we were about to shoot a scene for a movie we were making, when I showed up and got sexy ect. "Do you care if we get the sheets fucked up?" I asked. "Yeah, kinda," she said. Five seconds later we hear "HAY GUYZ WHERE ARE YOU" through the walls. Her friend, who had the camera, showed up about ten minutes not late enough. I don't really regret it, we had about five minutes just making out and heavy petting, but goddamn I wish I'd gotten to finish the job.

i was hookin up with a girl who had some pretty massive titties.. i wanted to titty fuck her but i didnt know how to bring it up.. so when she was sucking my dick i kept trying to pull out and motion towards her milk bubbles.. but she kept grabbbing it and sucking on it more.. eventually i held her back, braced her tits, and put my dick between them, and started to break out in hysterical laughter.. she asked me what was so funny.. so i just said "nothing" and let he go back at my dick.. Ive never had the courage to titty fuck a girl since that day.. and it is one of my goals in life.

>>28588110
It's really pretty overrated.
I'd rather have the blowjob.

>>28588110

"Hey, why don't you use your tits?" ...

>>28588266
Its just something I wanted to try once
>>28588208
Why didnt I think of that?

>>28588110
Hahahaha, you loser. Just ask. If she thinks its weird, you're with the wrong chick.

>>28588430

Dude, keep in mind this was like Junior year in high school and the girl was a sophomore.. You just dont say that kind of shit

in before underage b&.. im of age now

The man that wanted to fuck my armpit without mentioning it at any point before he tried to engineer it was pretty awkward.

So, I'm in the United States of America visiting my long distance girlfriend at the time. One night we decide to rent Ju-on. This girl cannot stand scary movies...she's the type to scream and cry during them, you see.

So, we're on the couch and she gets scared and as a reaction, she unzips my pants and starts sucking me off.

Tears are running down her cheeks while some grotesque monster is crawling down the stairs. My cock is in her mouth. I think this movie is a huge pile of shit...so I'm laughing, maniacally, at how lame the movie is at this point.

With a lit cigar and a glass of Rum in hand.

And a pair of mirrored aviators on my face.

This was a glorious moment for me.

This girl was giving me a handjob, it was her first time, and it was so absolutely horrible (bitch nearly tore my dick off) that I couldn't get hard.

Happy ending, though. Flipped her over and spanked her for a few and then it got all better.

I was fucking my gf in her single dorm room. We're goin' at it under the sheets, when we hear a knock at the door. "A little busy!" She yells. The doorknob turns and the door opens. The pothead who lived next door popped his dirty head in the doorway and mumbled, high as shit "Uhh, you got any cookies?" Mind you, her single room was only slightly bigger than a closet. The gf, stunned, looks at him for a second, takes a quick glance at a grocerybag, and looks at me. Before either of us could say anything, he waddles over to the grocery bag, rummages through it, takes out the bag of cookies, eats two of them and then leaves, forgetting to shut the door behind him.

That was special.

One time my ex-boyfriend and I were in the middle of having sex, and my phone rang.
So he pulled out and I rolled over to answer it.
Thinking it was probably my mom and important [no one really calls me.]

It turned out to be my friend..I was trying to get her to get off the phone, and as I was talking to her he decided to put it back in me and continue to fuck me even while I was on the phone.

My friend ended up asking me if I was okay.. And I was like.. "YEAH GOTTA GO."
And got off the phone.

>>28588589
I don't believe you had along distance girlfriend, enjoy your aviator sunglasses.

My current girlfriend is awful at sex. Hence, I haven't had any in about a month or so, though she always wants to.

Anyway, the first time I had sex, I was being a dumbass and humped the covers before getting on top of her. So, we fucked, and it felt REALLY good. After a while I came, and all was right with the world. then I pulled out and realized my condom came off on the covers.

We both cried.

We were each others firsts.

It turns out that petroleum jelly eats condems. my sister is pregnent.

>>28589010
I lol'd.

Jokes? On my /b/?

>>28589347

Well, the general rule is if it feels good, you're probably doing it wrong.

Your fortune: Outlook good

Abbreviated story:

Dated a girl for 2+ years. Having sex on her bed, she lives with her grandmother (not home at the time).

She thinks she hears her grandmother coming home, we hear the door unlocked, I reach orgasm, she jumps up off the bed, hitting my cock mid-ejaculation and spraying my cum across her sheets and wall in a very large arc. She apologized profusely over the next few hours.

So I was fucking this girl, totally drunk, after a party, when all of the sudden her boyfriend bursts through the door. I barely had time to grab my shorts and GTFO. I drove home smashed and half naked. It was awkward.

my cat, Oreo, coughed up a hairball while we were having sex

fucking disgusting

>>28588873

Fukken lol'd.

Freshmen year of high school i went to my friends house who happened to live on the same street as my girlfriend... long story short i ended up fingering her on her drive way under a blanket i was so clueless that when she came and began to shiver i asked her if she was cold not realizing that she was in fact cumming.

My gf and I were at her best friends house for a bbq. We hadn't been going out long, so we were still eager to fuck whenever we could. So anyway, we're at this bbq, eager for a fuck but we don't have a condom so my gf asks her friend for one (which is wierd because her friend wasn't seeing anyone at the time). After like 45 fucking minutes, we find one and go into the spare room to fuck in a sleeping bag on an inflatable mattress. I'm so fucking drunk I can barely get the fucking condom on; she's so drunk she can't even feel her vagoo. The embarrassment comes when 2 other people open the door of this room (in the process of looking for a place to use their mobile phones) and my gf is just like "This is fucked" so as we start getting out of the sleeping bag to get dressed again, a third person opens the door and turns the fucking light on! Needless to say she was absolutely furious... I was too fucking drunk to do or say shit to this cunt. I keep drinking and half an hour later I'm spewing up. Great fucking night.

>>28591055
virgin

>>28591207

Note the inflatable matress.

For comfort.

>>28588913

heh, did the same thing with a girl one time. didn't pull out, just stopped. she picks up the phone, it's her bf, and i just started going again, really slowly. she's trying to keep quiet and glaring daggers at me and i'm barely containing myself from busting up laughing. same ending, guy goes "are you okay" "yeah im .... fine i'll talk to you later"

and before OMG THAT'S SO FUCKED UP, bf was a friend of mine, knew i was fucking her, he got off on it.

>>28589347
Even bad sex is good sex, because you're getting some.

>>28591451

knew I was fucking her in the general sense that is, he was oblivious as to the phonefucking

>>28590889
You had sex with your cat?

My gf used to be fucking terrible at giving head (and I mean absolutely fucking awful), and this one time I'm sitting in a chair and she's going down on me and because she's so bad I start fucking her face (to get just A LITTLE fucking feeling) and I choke her and she starts crying.

Moral of the story: make your gf read Cleo or fucking Cosmo to l2givehead.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PEE WHEN ERECT FROM AROUSAL

SERIOUSLY, LOOK UP THE BIO IDIOTS

>>28591685

Um, it's not. It's difficult, but not impossible. Perhaps you should try it.

>>28591685
I do it all the time when I have morning wood.

>>28591685
I've done it. Every morning of my life.

>>28591685
>IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PEE WHEN ERECT FROM AROUSAL
You have obviously not been erect from arousal very often.

>>28591685
You have to prop yourself very strangely. Or pee from across the room. That's my personal favorite.

>>28591685

Owned 3 times over.

girl, in before tits, yadayada.
My boyfriend was doing me in the pooper, which I never cared for, but it kept him happy. So finally i'm starting to enjoy it a bit, but then I heard him curse and there was shit leaking all over the place.
Yeah, turns out I have IBS. Not doing that again...

>>28591652
I FUCKING LOL'D

>>28591962
At school once after a long hard staring session with my twentysomething yeacher's ass, I took a restroom break to fap, only to find out I had the stall unlocked. The principal opened the fucking door, took one look at what was going on, turned around, shut the stall, and started walking out. Before he made it out of the restroom I head him say "As you were, private."
Ex-military men are funny as hell.

>>28592164
Why the fuck is that link there. Hm, I musta clicked it on accident while I was reading.

*sigh*

whole damn thread is either copypasta or made up shit. everyone knows 4channers don't have boyfriends/girlfriends.

Fuking a' guys, you're gonna make me go Vtech if you keep doing this made up shit.

shooted for posterity. Thanks for the laughs anon.

I'm a dominant. I was using a shaved down plug made from ginger (it's called "figging") in a sorta-new submissive girls ass. She kept saying "IT BURNS!" which is the point... so I ignored her until she used our safeword to get out.

Turns out she was allergic to ginger.

We had to go to the emergency room. How the fuck do you explain that? Awkward!

What was worse was that she was of age (19) and I was 16 at the time.

>>28592164
This one kid at my high school(I'm out of high school now) was fapping, and found out and suspended or some shit.
Fucking bullshit that was.

>>28592280

go for it, we'll mock you.

and srsly, it's not fucking hard to get laid. you go out and talk to girls enough and it'll fucking happen. hell, i've run into a few girls who'd fuck a virgin just cuz (might get aids, but oh well)

>>28592151
i hear that kind of thing happens. makes me scared of doing too much pooper really

>>28591685
No, it's not, IDIOT! I can urinate while erect (because I like watersports, so what!) It's easier to do that during the sexual act and much harder to do immediately after ejaculating, but nothing that some concentration and a really bloated bladder cannot overcome. Although one of the urethral sphincters is not controllable (one is voluntary, the other autonomic), you can induce your brain to think it's pee time, instead of fucking time, so it will open the gates and let the golden liquid flow. Of course, ask your partner if she likes it before doing it, and try to do that under the shower, because the sperm turns into a glue when pee-washed...

>>28592280

I'm a "4channer", and I have a girlfriend, who I've been going out for nearly 11 months now. But then again, she is Catholic, so no sex yet. But she makes up for it, believe me.

>>28592447
There can never be too much pooper.

I was fucking my gf this time, and was teasing her real bad and not at all doing what she wanted me to (so she could get off) so I was there just teasing her pussy lips with my dick and all of a sudden she fucking shouts at me "STOP BEING A PUSSY AND JUST FUCK ME!" Yeah, well, I pretty much came out of surprise as she'd never spoken dirty to me before. She had to wait until next time. She also likes to be spanked :D

>>28592164
I once walked in on one of the students at my school masturbating in a latrine.

Being a retired Marine, I understood that when you have to, you have to, so I let the kid go.

I later fapped to the image burned in my mind.

>>28592723
You need to learn how to stop linking images, genius.

Left the door open once and the dog came in mid-blowjob

Dog hopped up on the bed and mounted her from behind.

She made me put the fucking (lol) dog out before she came over for the rest of our relationship... never wanted to see it again!

I only really have one story. I was in another state visiting this chick, natural blond, little on the chubby side but had a cute face. Anyway she was sucking me off (she was pretty shitty at it). Just as i'm about to blow she hears her parents car pulling up and jerks her head back from my dick and I end up nailing her right in the face. She freaked out completely and ended up having to wipe it on one of her shirts since the bathroom was too far away from her room.

>>28592822

lol

Was she clothed? Or well, did the dog penetrate?

>>28592925
She was naked, and yes... apparently he did.

She made her OBGYN see her the next day

I did have a girl fart in my face once during orgasm when I was eating her out.. and I mean, what can you do? you just pretend it didn't happen.. but ... fucking.. god damn it, it stunk.

>>28592925
i love /b/ so fucking much

>>28592594
true 'nuff, let's get this party started

>>28592925

If she was clothed I was gonna say she overreacted...but since she was naked...well, I lol'd.

my only stories are generally ones that embarrased the girl but i thought were great.

was having a threesome with a friend and his gf, we didn't even end up getting to the bedroom, she's on the living room floor, bf is sucking/playing with her tits and i'm fingering her, she squirted so hard it hit me in the forhead. not much, but several drops trickling down into my eyebrow was just great.

Me and my girl were fucking, right. So after an hour of fucking, her cell phone starts to ring. the phone was on the other side of the room. so she gets off me to answer the phone. about 3 minutes after she got off me i noticed that the condom i was wearing was missing. guess where it was...:D if she gets pregnant and our kid asks how they came into the world.....thats gonna be an interesting story to try to tell.

>>28592822
I'd find a new girlfriend.

>>28592451
Sperm is alkaline based, urine is acidic, as are female vaginal secretions.
I am the God Of Porn after all, I would know this stuff..from bestiality...*cough cough*

The Thursday before last,me and my girlfriend and her mother went up North to their "cabin" (more of a large house in the woods).
Her mother surprised us both by letting us drink whatever booze we wanted out of the cooler,and smoking some pot with us.
I drank 10 or 11 beers,and I don't drink them that often,so I got pretty inebriated.
After she gave us some cigarettes and went to bed,me and my girlfriend went upstairs to have secks.
After a good hour or so of teasing,I was laying on my back and she was pretty much on her knees moving around me,doing various things.
She kept putting my dick in her mouth and sucking it,but only until it got really hard,then she would pull it out and start doing something else.
It really annoyed me,and I told her that if she did it anymore,I was going to slide a few fingers in her ass.
Well,she apparently didn't hear,because she did this three more times.
After the third time,I spread her ass cheeks and jammed 2 of my fingers in there.
I stuck them in deep,then she goes "Ow ow ow!".
THen I'm like "Fuck!I thought she would like it..."
And she goes "Well,you just fucked up your chances of getting laid tonight."
So I was bummed out,and I went downstairs and had another beer.
I returned upstairs about 15 minutes later,where I got into the bed next to her and slept.
At about 4 a.m. (The earlier episode took place about 2 a.m.),I was awakened by her sucking my cock.

Needless to say,I was pleasantly surprised.
YOu can guess how it ended,yatta yatta I cummed in her mouth and she spit it out behind the bed...


But I still feel bad about randomly ramming some fingers up my girlfriend's ass.
(Not copypasta btw)

>>28593399
I eventually did.

I didn't use that particular hole for about 2 months. Fucking foul... but she was seriously messed up about it, so eventually I bit the bullet and went where my pup had gone before.

Still not OK with that fact. <Twitch>

i'd say you should get a life

>>28593557

you should be proud of it or not be here.

>>28592578 here.

Anyway, one time my girlfriend and I were home alone, so we do what we do best when we're alone; we fooled around. It got to the point where we'd finished and were just lying on the floor of the loungeroom both naked, cuddling, and then I heard the front door being unlocked and someone coming in. I had to grab a random doona lying over a treadmill and drape it over myself and run to the door to greet my grandparents and my sister (dear God) while my girlfriend hid behind the couch. My grandparents went in to the main part of the house, so I grabbed my boxers that my girlfriend had torn off me and flung away (found 'em lying on the treadmill) and quickly put them on. Went to see my girlfriend hiding behind the couch and found her fully clothed, but she quickly burst out in laughter and told me she hadn't found her panties yet. Many laughs followed.

This all started by watching Milo and Otis.

I was fucking my girl doggystyle. I slipped it in the pooper and got 5 or so good thrusts before I wore out my welcome.
I put it back inside and finished up. I pulled it out and saw blood all over my dick and her thighs.
I was fucking freaking out. I'm not a loli fan, so the image of blood on my dick was less than pleasant.
She cleaned up downstairs before I took her to the hospital and I heard her laughing in the bathroom.
She was having her period. I've never been so relieved to hear a girl tell me she was PMSing in my fucking life.

Doing my girl up the pooper for the first time, i pull out for some reason (i think it was to change position or some shit) and my dicks full of shit and she runs to the bathroom to presumably take a dump.

>>28593620
Fun Facts:
Your dog can't get her pregnant.
Dogs can't pass on the majority of STD's
So in conclusion:
It's a dog you fucking retard, not a black man.

Your fortune: Reply hazy, try again

Your fortune: （　´_ゝ`）ﾌｰﾝ

>>28582449

EPIC WIN

>>28593620
How long was he in there? Was it more than just a few thrusts?

And the qustion everyone's begging to know: did she take the knot?

After watching Orgasm School yesterday, my girlfriend and I had a few glasses of wine, got her good and lubed, and then I went to work. She was screaming "RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE" at the top of her lungs when I noticed that our neighbor were banging on the wall because of the noise. Needless to say, we kept going. I offered my neighbor (who is in a wheel-chair but has a girlfriend) a cup of coffee this morning to make amends. He asked what the fuck I was doing, so I showed him Orgasm School.

The apartment complex is sure to be loud tonight.

Orgy at Burning Man, rolling on E out of my mind.

I was pounding the hell out of a girl from my camp one minute, started a brief conversation with someone. When I looked again some fag was blowing me.

Goddamn it! I'm not gay!

Or at least I wasn't. I guess that I'm technically bi now. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I'm with >>28593920

Bitch should have enjoyed it.

>>28594284

god, i can't wait till the next time my fuckbuddy/kinda girlfriend puts out to try that. i've done plenty with the gspot, but it was always an in-out deal, not the up-down kind

>>28594284

Orgasm School?
Link plox or something

This thread is awesome, I don't think I've ever read through an entire thread before. This is made of win and lulz.

>>28594414
Yeah, that Orgasm School shit is no joke. I was very surprised. My girlfriend cums easy and often, but she stopped breathing at one point last night.

>>28594050
Just a few thrusts. I sorta smacked him away with the back of my hand. He hopped back up and tried to remount, but by that time she was no longer slobbing my nob.

To tell the truth I was (in my sex-haze) actually hoping for a minute that she didn't notice! Weird what a blowjob does to ones mind.

I don't think he came either. She turned out to be a bitch though (lol) so in retrospect I'd like to pretend that he did.

>>28594435
http://www.redtube.com/2325

>>28594523
so technically she didn't say no after that?

Nearly lost my virginity last week. We were in bed, she was VERY wet and ready. I put the condom on. Thrust in a couple times.... go limp. I apologized profusely to the point where I thought I was going to cry. I can't believe I let her down.

We'll try again later now that I know that the first time, it happens to a lot of guys.

I too have a queef story. So my gf and I only started havuing sex a few months ago, and we lost our virginity together, so we are both new at this. Anyway, we were going at it and i thought i heard her parents come home, so i puled out and she let out this bg queef! The funny thing is that we both laughed for like 20 minutes afterwards and stoped for the day.

A friend of mine finally convinced me to have a threesome with her and her husband. It was really weird, and we're all sort of shyly flirting and playing around, and at one point he pretends to manhandle her and she pretends to struggle against him and then he REALLY manhandles her and she shrieks "DADDY GET OFF ME... I MEAN CHRIS!" and I just throw my coat on over my underwear and flee.

Later, they divorced, and he was trying to nail me, but "sorry, man, it would feel weird after I had your wife" shut him down flat. :3

>>28594765
Why? Once you are over the monogamy bullshit it seems like there would be less awkwardness from there on out...

1. http://4chanarchive.org/
2. click "request interface"
3. type 28581945 into the box
5. once enough people do it, you might find it again on above mentioned website latest after 48 hours
6. ???
7. Profit!!

I was fucking my girlfriend, totally drunk, after a party, when all of the sudden her neighbor bursts through the door. I barely had time to grab my shorts. It was weird. I asked her, "Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite."

>>28594911

Honestly? He was a fucking REPULSIVE TOAD, and it made a convenient excuse.

This is a keeper. I'm 18. Last day in my parents' place, all packed up to move, and what do you know - random girl A who I fucked at a show one time calls up, wanting to hang out. Now, I'm carless at this point in my life (moving to a city where you don't need one), so I get good ol' dad to pick her up from the train. (He's no dummy, he knew what was up.) We fart around for a few minutes, pretending like we want to talk to each other, and then it's bare mattress sex time. Bump bump bump, grind grind grind, it's all good, but what I forgot about is the rat.

See, more than a few of my friends at the time were homeless squatter punks, and a couple of them (my parents being pretty easygoing) ended up living at my folks' place for a while. One of them had a rat. A rat that didn't live in a cage, but just crawled in and out of his backpack at will.

A rat that - apparently - hates snakes.

She's on top, riding along, when all of a sudden - BOOM - rat bite on the cock. Fucking OW.

I yelped, tossed the thing, grabbed another rubber (not sure rat bite holes help the effectiveness) and finished, but you can be damn sure I was on the lookout for that fucking rat.

>>28594765
orgies require the right group of people....AND giga alcohol to get some bravery.

Stephanie's so fucking cute and sweet. I'd treat her to some fancy restaurant, then take a long romantic walk with her, holding hands and talking about philosophy, art and dreams. Then I'd invite her to my home and ravage her hot ass for hours, and forcing my cock down her throat so she choked on both the throbbing cock and her own rectal juice. I'd then proceed to cum on her cute innocent face. Then, as the ultimate love gift, I'd carry her in my arms to the tub and let my piss wash away the semen and last dignity from her. I'd whisper "I love you" and give her a tender smile, and cut her throat from ear to ear with a knife. Covered in her own warm blood, she'd look straight into my very soul, forgiving, understanding. A bubble from blood and saliva would burst between her lips, then she'd die. After some additional lovemaking, I'd stuff her in a bin bag. Three Weeks later, some playing children will find her mutilated and desecrated body in the forest. They will be scarred for life.

so my girlfriend just got off her period, well at least she thought she did. so i stick it and shes really wet, like wetwetwetwet. and i tell her this but she ignores me (shes the type that cant have a conversation while having sex lol). so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(

>>28595392
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(
so i pull out for a sex to rearrange myself and well, it looked like i stabbed her with my dang :(

>>28584506
1. sumbit to playboy.
2. profit

I was once with this guy and he was going down on me for the first, and last time. Well he really just fingered me mostly, he wasnt bad, but he had no real tempo, couldnt keep me hot, I told him to use his mouth...but it was dark, so what does he do? He gets this huge fucking spotlight flashlight thing and points it right at my vag....like the star of the show or something, felt like someone lit up the bat signal on my mound.....so embarassing..what a douche..

So I am fucking a girl in my English class after a party. She wanted 2 have sex with me so bad that evening. I start having sex with her and notice that she starts screaming to me what seemed to be German. She was riding me at the moment and suddenly started letting out this grunting sound. She then slip up on my chest while holding my arms down and took the quickest shit on my chest. I through her off me and she it the ground. Just then her roommate walks in and sees the girl on the ground, me in the bed and shit everywhere.

I was pissed.

Dumb cunt

GF's giving me a blowjob. All was going well... until I woke up.

first time i ever got a handjob was with my first (and current) girlfriend

she layed me down on the bed, kneel'd next to me and started jerking it. for some reason she takes attention away from my cock and plays with my nipples (she thinks its funny cause theyre ticklish :/).

being my first handjob i obviously prematurely came...with my cock sticking straight up. it went all over my chest, and all over my girlfriends back and hair. she had to try REALLY hard to get it out of her hair before she went home seeing as her parents are psycho catholics.

most memorable bit was when i came... she said "what the fuck?? warm rain???" it was her first handjob too.

I was fucking my gf at my apartment, and after a while we slowly realized that the cat was sitting in my closet watching us. That was odd...

In high school I was fucking a girl who liked to use handcuffs. We were using my parents bed (mine was a twin)

The handcuffs scratched the headboard, so afterwards I went looking for wood buffing stuff to hide the marks.

I didn't find any in the cleaning cabinet. I DID, however, find some in my parents nightstand drawer. When I went to buff the marks off I noticed that there were marks already there... buffed over. Old marks.

I poked around in the drawer a little more and came up with another set of handcuffs. Same brand.

Fuck.

I was giving my now ex boyfriend head and he began to come while my mouth was off of him for a second. Mind you, I swallow pretty much every time, but this dude blew huge fucking loads every single time and they were unpleasant to swallow. Needless to say I didn't go out of my way to catch it, and he came all over his stomach. He gave me a withering look and asked pointedly, "Why didn't you catch it?" to which I replied simply "I wasn't about to put my mouth on Old Faithful."

>>28596374
Window cat is watching you pork your girl.

>>28596457

hahahahahaha

owned

>>28582737
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

>>28596479
You bitch, next time you do that you get the hose.

i was fingering her getting ready do stay in and eat out when i take out my hand, look down, notice that it's bloody as a mother fucker, adn proceed to run to the bathroom to wash my hands.
i screamed at her for 10minutes for killing my mood turned over and went to sleep, wouldn't let her touch me for a week

>>28596632
Fuck you Geoff.

>>28582737

FUCKING LOL.

that being said, the bitch who gave me my first BJ had a fucking pierced tongue and was waaay too fucking rough with it...

needless to say, i went limp about 15 mins in, but i told her i came D:

>>28596653

You fucking faggot loser.

>>28596632
It rubs the semen on its skin or it will get the hose again

>>28596749

You told her you came and she bought it when she was giving a BJ? wtf? Didn't she notice there was no cum?

>>28596749

um, and she didn't notice that something was missing?

Who was this Stickam's account?!

>>28596749
O Rly? One of my old fuck-buddies had a pierced tongue and it felt fucking AMAZING! Still some of the best BJ's I've ever had.

>>28596852

Women are pretty retarded about it, used the same excuse in the past when chicks were doing a shitty job.

OK SO THIS ONE TIME ME AND MY GIRL ARE HAVING SEX IN THE TREE HOUSE. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT SHE IS A SCREAMER! SO WE START GOING FASTER AND FASTER AND SHE STARTS MAKING A LOT OF NOISE. IT IS SOMTHING THAT KIND OF CREAPED UP ON ME, YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN SOMEONE TURNS THE VOLUME DOWN REAL SLOW AND THEN TURNS UP REALY FAST, BUT IN REVERSE. AT ANY RATE MY MOTHER COMES OUTSIDE INTO THE BACK YARD WALKS RIGHT UP TO THE TREE HOUSE AND SCREAMS OUT THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO DO THAT THEN WE NEED TO BE MORE QUIET ABOUT IT. I WANTED TO PUT A BULLET IN HER FUCK HEAD, BUT INSTEAD I JUST GOT REALY SILENT AND PUT THE COVERS OVER MY HEAD AND STARTED CRYING, AND THEN I GOT REALY SOFT REALY FAST. THAT WAS THE BEGGINING OF THE END OF MY RELATIONSHIP.

wohhooow how the fuck this forum works ? how can i find a tread i was writing in when every second 20 more treads come ...... where was my tread!!!!

>>28596374
I was once going at it, and i turned around and saw her cat sitting happily watching beside us on the bed. like two feet away. curled up and content, staring. fuggin pervcats.

>>28596852

i was wearing a condom... that's party why i think she was being too rough.

>>28594566
Holy crap. That's intense.

1. http://4chanarchive.org/
2. click "request interface"
3. type 28581945 into the box
5. once enough people do it, you might find it again on above mentioned website latest after 48 hours
6. ???
7. Profit!!

>>28583261

Link to that user plz

these stories are turning me on

>>28596929

see, it depends on the girl... i think i got unlucky and got an inexperienced one that time. i've never tried it with another piereced chick.

then again, i've never gotten head with a fucking condom on after that! fuck that bullshit.

>>28596940

somehow I expected this to end with "I GUARANTEE IT!"

>>28596965
best post in this entire thread

Worst I've got is one time my ex and I are watching TV in the living room, home alone, and she just hops onto the floor and pulls out my dick and starts blowing me. Totally cool, all that.

Then my fucking dog comes over and rests her head on my lap... while I'm getting a BJ. Me and the ex both kinda freaked. Sex never left the bedroom again (For the relationship anyway). Not Awful, but the worst I've endured...

>>28596940
SO THIS OTHER TIME I'M MASTERBATING IN THE KITHCHEN AND MY MOM WALKS IN ON ME. AND I WAS LIKE "NO DON'T LOOK AT JUST DON'T LOOK AT ME" AND SHE SAT THERE AND STARED. SO THE REASON THAT I WAS MASTUBATING IN THE KITCHEN IS BECAUSE THAT WAS WHERE THE ONLY COMPUTER WAS AT THE TIME. IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND I THOUGHT THAT NO ONE WHOULD FIND OUT. SOME DAY MY MOTHER WILL GET OLD AND DIE AND THEN I WILL DANCE ON HER GRAVE.

>>28588589
win

>>28597247
meet
>>28592822

I was getting a blowjob from a girlfriend and I set off her gag reflex (she wasnt really good at BJs) and she threw up all over my stomach. Boner kill.

I ended pushing her up against the wall, pulling on her hair, and pounding the hell out of her the rest of the night.

>>28597380
Dance, anon. Dance.

worst BJ ever:

i was getting head in my old-ass SUV in the middle of the night and a car passes by. i push her head down all the way and say wait (cuz i thought it was cops or something)... it wasn't a cop, but then she fucking gags and throws up all over my lap, all over my dick, and all over my seat and in between the seat and shifter.

fucking thing smelled for WEEKS even after i cleaned it like a madman.

>>28594606

Keep telling yourself that.

drank shitloads and couldnt get it up anymore @ hooker. also the fact that some druggie friend of hers came running in (running for the cops or something) while undressing didnt help..

Getting drunk taking a girl home from the bar her making me wear a condom fucking her passingout on top of her waking up to start fucking her again and putting on another condom. passingout again.

running in to her two days later and having her tell me when I passed out inside her the condom came off both times and her finding them in the morning.

god I fucking rock

I was in the kitchen spanking myself with a rubber spatula and fapping.

My g/f (who lived with me but didn't know I was a masochist) came home and caught me. I was scurrying to the bedroom naked with a red ass.

She followed me into the bedroom, stared for a minute, put her hand on her hip to think.... then decided to roll with it.

She tried to spank me, but she was so physically weak that she couldn't really have any effect. She ended up spraining her wrist.

Nice try... but I couldn't even pretend it was working well enough to convince her.

Awkward all the way around.

>>28597576
Win.

>>28594606
Lol, you my friend, are what's commonly referred to as a faggot.

>>28597380
SO THAT LAST ONE WAS WHEN I WAS LIKE 14 AND THE SECOND ONE IS FROM WHEN I WAS LIKE 20. IM 21 NOW AND THAT GIRL IS THE ONLY GIRL THAT IVE EVAR SLEPT WITH BUT I DID TRY TO FORCE MY SELF ON MY LITTLE BROTHER WHEN WE WERE LITTLE. I THINK THAT WE LIKE 4 AND 6 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. SO I HOLD HIM DOWN ON THE BED AND FORCE MY TOUNG INTO HIS MOUTH AND GRAB HIM ALL OVER BUT IM NOT SURE WHAT EXACTLY TO DO AND STARTED SCREAMING SO I LET HIM GO. DID I RAPE MY BROTHER? NO! BUT I ALMOST DID ;)

>>28596936

You must be fucking some retarded girls.

>>28588913

hahahhaha i totally did that to my ex when her bitchy friend called her

so i'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?
when i go to give him a reach around, it turns out he's already hard!
what a faggot!

First time I had sex, we tried and tried to get it in, but it would not...eventually, though, we got it to work

>>28593807
dude... you know that's a japanese movie. i used to watch it all the time when i was a kid. then i saw it recently and was like "wtf!? its japanese! i wonder how many poor animals died for that movie."

>>28598257
I'M TRYING TO THINK OF ANOTHER ONE... OH WAIT. THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME EVEN BEFORE THAT WHEN ME AND MY LITTLE BROTHERS GROPED EACH OTHERS ASSES AND DRANK EACHOTHERS URINE I DOUBP THAT THEY WHERE OLD ENOUPH TO REMBER BUT I REMEMBER SO THEY ALSO MIGHT. THERE WAS ALSO A TIME WHEN MY MOTHER TRYED TO HAVE THE "SEX TALK" WITH ME AND I DID THE SAME THING. THAT IS TO SAY THAT I GOT REALY SILENT AND PULLED THE COVERS OVER MY HEAD, BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE GOING TO SLEEP AT THE TIME. I SWEAR TO GOD, ON HER FUCKING GRAVE. I WILL EVEN BUY NEW SHOES.

Cinco de mayo, ex-gf and I walk back to her house from a party and sneak into her room to have sex (her parents are home). A few minutes into it she suggests pooper. This totally blows me away because normally she's a total prude, but anyway. I pour KY all over her ass and my dick and start fingering her to loosen it up. She says she's ready so I try to stick it in. We've never done anything like this before (I had never even touched her asshole before that night) so obviously I have some problems getting it in. As my head starts penetrating she lets out a gasp of pain, but by this time it's too late...my dick is so lubricated it slides almost all the way in before I can slow down. She SCREAMS in pain extremely fucking loud and starts crying on her bed. I'm shocked from the entire situation and pull out so quickly I fall off the edge of her bed (I had been kneeling on the edge) and hit the floor with a huge crash. 15 seconds later her dad walks in and turns on the lights to find his daughter crying on her bed, naked, with blood coming out of her ass, and me, sitting on the floor with a disgusting mixture of lube, shit, and blood all over my dick and hands. He just stood there with his mouth gaping in disbelief as I grabbed my clothes, mumbled that I was sorry, and bolted to my car. Drove home naked, never spoke to her again.

this was the most disappointing experience of my life.
hottest boyfriend you can imagine--a little on the dumb side, but who gives a fuck.
we rented a cabin on a beach and were fooling around. he's super hard, i'm super wet, all is well.
once i mount him, he goes completely limp!
then later, i try to give him head. limp again!
same with a handjob!
the only time he ever stayed hard was when he was pleasuring ME.

i just wanted to fuck, christ!

>>28584236
Whenever I play with my g/f's tits, I hum the theme from Sanford and Son

>>28598804

I know! We figured that out too. And yes, quite a few animals probably did die. Especially in the bear scenes... and the seagull/cliff scene.
I also used to watch it religiously when I was a child.

>>28599006

man if that's real i feel so sorry for you

>>28599198
Sounds like you suck at pleasuring him, or he was really, really nervous. Either way, lrn2plzr

LOL I ONCE SHAT A LOG, THEN USED IT LICK A DIDLO!!!

i was puttin' it in this one girl, then i realized it was a guy.

>>28599680
he wasn't my first, and that's NEVAR happened before.

he got all embarassed and never wanted to talk about it. it was mentioned briefly later, but i never understood what happened. his ex said he was weird in bed, too.

poor guy.

One time my ex was riding me, and the phone rings. We were basically like "whatever" so she answered it (being the one that had a better range of motion at the time, as she didn't have someone basically sitting on top of her). She reached over and picked up the handset without dismounting, and says "Hello?" The person on the other end says something, and she puts her hand over the phone and whispers to me "It's my dad!"

She proceeds to have a 10 minute conversation with this motherfucker (pun?) but DOESN'T GET OFF. I mean, she wasn't heavy or anything, but she was sitting PERFECTLY STILL resting her ENTIRE WEIGHT on my hips. I couldn't even have moved without like throwing her to the floor (which I liked her too much to do) but I mean my dick isn't getting soft because, well, it's still pussy! But my hips are starting to get sore and she's completely off in her own world talking on the phone.....TO HER FATHER, WITH MY DICK IN HER THE ENTIRE TIME.

I couldn't finish. only time with this girl that i couldn't. GAH!

This thread makes me wish I were having sex.

Dammit all.

>>28600016

You probably should have tied him up and sat on his face. He might have enjoyed that.

Hi, I'm a girl posting on 4chan. I have tales to tell too.

>>28598678
andrew?!

>>28600296
pics or it never happened

This thread makes me wish I were having sex.

Dammit all.

>>28599307

You are my hero. I am so doing that to my girlfriend next time.

>>28600178
"You probably should have tied him up and shat on his face. He might have enjoyed that."


Fixed.

>>28586452
lol

>>28587792
THANK YOU

>>28587180
Rebekah???

>>28591685

You obviously don't have a penis yourself. Who are you trying to convince, the guys that have actually done it? How many mornings do you think guys wake up needing to piss AND still hard from their dreams or whatever? You think most of them just wait or something? Christ you F-F-FAIL

solast week in my math class(1m a freshman in highschool) i had my toung in this girls vagoo, she starts moaning and the teacher asks if she's ok and then before im done the teacher asks her to go to the nurse and then she starts yelling " im cuming im cuming!" itreminded me of ameican oie and seemed funny.

>>28584506

Fucking LULZ were had.

My sister walked in on me wearing her lingerie and jerking off to a picture of her when she was 14.

mine's not so bad, mainly funny. i'm in my dorm room fooling around w/my fuck buddy in my twin sized bed. i roll over to let him get on top of me and fall off the bed completely. it kinda killed the mood for a second.

>>28591685

I've got stacks of german porn that prove otherwise

When I was 28 my girlfriend caught me french-kissing and rubbing the pussy of her 7 year old daughter.

bumb!!!

>>28595903

i died i lol'ed so hard

so making out with my gf and she is on top getting pretty crazy and sloppy and i am like wtf this is the sloppiest makeout ever' i can feal this warm what i assume is slobber all over my face and this is a rediculous ammount mind you so i go "wait, wait seriously, there is slobber everywhere let's calm it down a little" then she realizes that she is having a bloody nose and there is blood like all over my face and shirt, so we clean up and still end up banging just pretty funny how i thought it was a messy makeout, ps it was a white shirt which is ruined

>>28602115

And she's still your girlfriend??

>>28598804
Well, I remember from when the movie came out, they used up 14 kittens on the waterfall scene alone, got that from Good Morning America or one of those shows. Good times, good times.

so i'm fucking my sister jill in the ass when she turns around and says "you fuck just like dad!"
i was so embarassed! mom told me the same thing!