ads

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

stop it

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

wtf is this shit

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

I like these :)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

CARRY ON PLEASE.

I went in to Wall-Mart to buy a candle-holder, but they were out of candle-holders.
So I bought a cake.

Blame ADV for releasing it in america

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

Oh god I lol'd.

It's sad he died of a heart-attack....
;_;

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"

omg i love this thread already

This sounds like Mitch Hedburg

sage

AAHHH THAT DANE COOK IS A SILLY BITCH

>>13530975
Daniel Tosh

>>13530975
>DANE COOK

When you think about it rationally, you don't really need turtles.

>>13530961
Guess what, son. It is.

>>13530975
Rage

I feel that duck's opinions of me varies heavily over whether or not I have bread.

'Sup, fags?

I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I miss him.
;_;

>>13530947
Drugs killed him, not a heart attack

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."

>>13530915

Thats fucking brilliant...

wat

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

>>13531044
Ducks LOVE bread. But they do not have the ability to buy it.

yep

>>13531165

HOLY SHIT
HE'S RIGHT

uh huh

What exactly does a sesame seed grow into?

I don't know! We never give them a chance.

I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.

yeah

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

er...

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

unf...

>>13531047

is dat sum temporary stairs?

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."

i haven't lol'd this much in quite some time. please keep it up.

maybe...

>>13531302
Sorry for the convenience.

Osaka is fucking insane.

sure...

Oh God, someone finally revived Osaka Hedberg.

It would be so awesome if they got the English dub VA of Osaka to say these Hedburg lines. And release it as an audio drama.

This is now /azu/

>>13531338
she just thinks differently

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs.
>"What brings you to Canada?"
"That asshole."
>"When are you leaving?"
"As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"

and...

Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

>>13531380
Why did I smiled?

>>13531401
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

ARCHIVE THIS

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

Damn, out of Mitchsaka edits...

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

I drank some boiling water 'cuz I wanted to whistle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

If thirteen's unlucky, then 12 or 14 are guilty by association. “I saw you 12, you were hangin’ out with 13.” “No I wasn’t, I was with 11, you talk to 14 'bout that shit.” “Whatcha got to say 14?” “Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit.”

laughing my ass off itt

>>13531579
>>13531594
Oh lawd.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

>>13531619
I'm stayin' in a hotel right now, there's no 13th floor because of superstition. But c'mon man the people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.

Everything's funnier when said by a cute little girl.

...or is it?

I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it's gotta be, "He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That's the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, 'cause you can say "Philly" and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say "Frisco," San Francisco people say, "Fuck off!" But if you say "Philly" they say, "Alright!" Because I don't always have time to say "Philadelphia." Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!

I used to have really long hair. People thought I was high on stage, because people long hair associate with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use... like an extreme longing for cake. Strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That fucker eats cake!... He is on bundt cake." Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smell like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

Postin in an Osaka Hedberg thread.

I have a king sized bed, I don't know any kings, but if I ever meet one I can tell him "you will not believe what I have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here. Gotta go.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way you could take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

oh shit. cds skippin.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I hope this gets archived. The web needs a page that's just Wikiquote:Mitch Hedberg and osaka pictures.

"I bought a new laptop and a wireless router recently, used the laptop for about an hour before it got really hot and turned off. On the bottom it said 'ONLY USE ON HARD SURFACES', so I went out and bought playboy."

You should never tell someone they got a nice dimple because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"

>>13531687
>Everything that is funny is even funnier when said by little girl.
>Also, some things that should be funny but somehow aren't are indeed funny when said by a little girl.

There. I fixed it for you.

I like wearing this skirt, it lets me know when I am upside down.

I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house, I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. He has three apples left ... I guess I can't have one... Won't want to fuck up the practice routine.

I did a radio interview, the DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive to the wrong station.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch.

My friend once told me I should be more open minded, so I took his advice.
My brain fell out.

You know that word "lull"? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke!

This is a thread called HIT AND MISS.

>>13532308
I LOLed. I don't know why.

>>13532348

Because you know it's not beyond her to do it.